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Although Avissar's parents were in attendance and both she and they envisioned a small, private affair, her Israeli mother-in-law took over, "cooking up a storm and inviting mobs of people." Many American parents find their daughter's marriage to an Israeli as much a learning experience for them as it is for her.More than one of the American women married to an Israeli reported that her parents were surprised to find that they were expected to help buy and even furnish an apartment for the newly married couple, as Israeli parents customarily do.

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Not only do you have a husband who speaks the language and who knows his way around the country, you also have his family, whose presence should help to smooth the process of adjustment. The reality, as conversations with more than 20 American women married to Israelis reveal, is different.

The baggage of cultural mores and behavioral patterns the husbands bring to the relationship may complicate, not help, these intercultural marriages. The woman who came to Israel out of idealistic convictions at age 18, meeting and marrying her husband there, has a different experience from the one who met her husband while he was in the United States and came to Israel only because of him.

In other instances, backgrounds may be so similar that the marriage cannot truly be called cross-cultural.

"The fact that I'm not Israeli gives them a wedge for reminding me that I don't really know how things are done here," she says .

She points to her son's brit as a typical example of the difference between American and Israeli cultures.




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